the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
