Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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