she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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