if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
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Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
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Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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