When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
