he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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