alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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