Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
