her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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