when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
