we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
