??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
