he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
