It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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