I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
