dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
