I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
