I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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