if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize