Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
