I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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