I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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