I need to stop coming to work sober
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
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