we have pet lesbian snakes
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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