the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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