I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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