Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My dad just said "fuck circus"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
