seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i think my mom watched the whole time
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
