I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize