How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
