I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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