fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
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Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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