just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
time to smoke my breakfast
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now