everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude