hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
