i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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