Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
