My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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