3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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