I have demons in me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
