I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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