Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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