I wish I could teleport
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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