Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
