I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You made out with two different species that night
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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