Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
