we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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