I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
