i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Come see our sink grown plant.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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