You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
