I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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