I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
