I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
