East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Soap is not a condiment
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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