someone threw a dead crab at me
just tell him i said nine months
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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