I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
