Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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