Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
